December 5th, 2007 – Desire
It is the first Advent Wednesday service. The Holden Evening prayer is so often, for so many of us, an extraordinary worship experience. After many recent moments of feeling deep community my expectations run high for this Wednesday but, there is little sense of community in my heart when the evening is through. During worship we are invited to take words to meditate and reflect on for the upcoming week. The word I receive to reflect on, after lighting a candle at the altar, is desire.
A double-edged word. It is part of the second Noble Truth of Buddhism: desire and ignorance lie at the root of suffering. Desire also describes our deepest longing. How does desire relate to Advent? It is an interesting word to ponder as this Wednesday unfolds.
I fight personal desire and longing for the community tonight. Throughout the evening I find I take offhand comments in the wrong spirit, even recognize it as being wrong at the time. My interactions with people feel off. There is one moment that is not like this, which I won’t describe here, but for the most part I stumble around with the wrong attitude.
In worship Pastor Mark preaches a poem he has composed for Creator called Ode to Advent. The rhymes he uses work and Pastor Mark ties the shallow and deeper perceptions of this season we are in together using those rhymes. An interesting idea he pulls off well. I feel very self-concious during the service which is not what I want to feel at all.
Choir practice is more of the same stumbling craziness. It is funny how esteem can get twisted. We practice Kelly’s Nunc Dimittis and I, as I have many times in the past, play the triangle. It adds to the piece but there is a standard half-tease to the acknowledgement of the minor nature of this additional part. It has become a bit of fun ritual for us all now, yet I feel an embarrassment surge up this evening. Memories of mistakes and muffed performances suddenly emerge. What changes the heart and feelings of worth so dramatically?
Then the free-floating guilt comes. “I should, I could do more.” “It would be better if I only I would behave like … or be interested in ….” “Why am I feeling this way? I know better than this.”
It was hard to focus on all the good things that happened, and good things happened. The announcement of Craig's successful hip replacement. Many of the soloists for the cantata became official. Phil, Janice, Craig, Marlowe were all chosen and will do fantastic performances, I know.
My temptation is keep this personal bad attitude night out of the blog because this is not what I want to acknowledge in myself. It hurts my pride. I want to blame something outside of myself. My inward desire is to rise above all this by will or reason instead of trusting what is good and true through Jesus.
I know in my heart the truth but something happens within me on nights like these. I put this in the blog as confession and for the sake of honesty.
It is the first Advent Wednesday service. The Holden Evening prayer is so often, for so many of us, an extraordinary worship experience. After many recent moments of feeling deep community my expectations run high for this Wednesday but, there is little sense of community in my heart when the evening is through. During worship we are invited to take words to meditate and reflect on for the upcoming week. The word I receive to reflect on, after lighting a candle at the altar, is desire.
A double-edged word. It is part of the second Noble Truth of Buddhism: desire and ignorance lie at the root of suffering. Desire also describes our deepest longing. How does desire relate to Advent? It is an interesting word to ponder as this Wednesday unfolds.
I fight personal desire and longing for the community tonight. Throughout the evening I find I take offhand comments in the wrong spirit, even recognize it as being wrong at the time. My interactions with people feel off. There is one moment that is not like this, which I won’t describe here, but for the most part I stumble around with the wrong attitude.
In worship Pastor Mark preaches a poem he has composed for Creator called Ode to Advent. The rhymes he uses work and Pastor Mark ties the shallow and deeper perceptions of this season we are in together using those rhymes. An interesting idea he pulls off well. I feel very self-concious during the service which is not what I want to feel at all.
Choir practice is more of the same stumbling craziness. It is funny how esteem can get twisted. We practice Kelly’s Nunc Dimittis and I, as I have many times in the past, play the triangle. It adds to the piece but there is a standard half-tease to the acknowledgement of the minor nature of this additional part. It has become a bit of fun ritual for us all now, yet I feel an embarrassment surge up this evening. Memories of mistakes and muffed performances suddenly emerge. What changes the heart and feelings of worth so dramatically?
Then the free-floating guilt comes. “I should, I could do more.” “It would be better if I only I would behave like … or be interested in ….” “Why am I feeling this way? I know better than this.”
It was hard to focus on all the good things that happened, and good things happened. The announcement of Craig's successful hip replacement. Many of the soloists for the cantata became official. Phil, Janice, Craig, Marlowe were all chosen and will do fantastic performances, I know.
My temptation is keep this personal bad attitude night out of the blog because this is not what I want to acknowledge in myself. It hurts my pride. I want to blame something outside of myself. My inward desire is to rise above all this by will or reason instead of trusting what is good and true through Jesus.
I know in my heart the truth but something happens within me on nights like these. I put this in the blog as confession and for the sake of honesty.
posted by Gary at
11:32 AM
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